I scare myself at times. What makes me worthy of the word unique? Why do you think so much? Why can’t I sleep when I’m worried? Everything is never in small quantities to me. I take a little too much of everything every time. When everyone is having fun, I’m thinking “when next will I ever get this moment again?”
People say relax and just have fun. They say live in the moment but there’s so much that goes wrong while living in the moment. I think I’m smart. No, I know I’m smart but even smartness will question this.
I’m a Christian and I know a couple of scriptures that tell me “worry not” but sometimes I think Jesus thought we were like him. He’s more of the father’s son than I am. Like “bruh, how do I live life without worrying”. I pray about it, I’ve prayed about it. Somedays, when I can not sleep I roll up in the dark and cry to God, repeatedly saying “this is my burden, give me rest”. Not once has that given me rest.
But, I believe he was on to something also. It’s just not as easy as the words printed in my Bible says. I’m worried, I’m burdened almost every day of my life because I overthink everything. I also feel he has hands in it because he created me an over-thinker but I’m older and too careless to throw blames around especially at God.
I thought the older I got, the more answered questions I’d have. A cheap joke I must say. The older I get, the more questions I have and the more I want to run away from living really. I do not want this anxiety attacks but I can not control the voices in my head either. This has made me overthink a lot even The Bible that says I’m wonderfully made, people say I’m unique but what if, I’m a knockoff?
Trust me, no loves me like myself. I look in the mirror and you can never convince me that I’m not the best thing that has ever happened. I even have a name for myself ENIOBANKE meaning “The one the kings takes care of”. That is how special I am but maybe I’m a knockoff. You walk into the shop thinking ‘This is a limited edition’ but it’s really just a good knockoff. I’m not sure if that offends me or not.
