I’ve hit rock bottom. Again.
But this time, it does not feel that way. This time, rather than hurt and anger, I feel boredom more. It’s like I’m in a room with no one to talk to but my self. My mind has stopped running all over the place and I’ve lost my imaginative scenarios.
Again, I’ve hit rock bottom. I’m scared.
That I’ve permanently become uninterested in life, love and human interactions. I’m scarred.
I sat on my bed last Friday and wept for about 5 minutes and all my tears were gone. I felt the bad emotions for 5 more minutes and then again, I started laughing in a way that echoed. I’m lost.
I was on the plane on Sunday and there was repeated turbulence and I looked around. The man by my right, holding his beads and reciting some Arabic stuff. While the man at the far right had his hands opened close to his face and looked like he was praying. I only glanced and turned to my novel. Scared of death yet unwilling to pray. I’m gone.
The other day, my friend commented on how invulnerable I’ve been recently. How I’ve stopped opening up as usual and now just laugh all the time. Who has me?
I’ve changed. I’m unsure if I’m happy about it. I’ve moved from feeling every emotion to feeling none. I’ve moved from crying in my dark room when I’m sad till I’m tired, to crying a little and going out to laugh. I’ve moved from resting on my friends shoulders and telling my problems to saying nothing because I actually feel nothing.
I’ve been consistent. In my writing, that is. Every week I’ve written except when I had exams. Good. I’ve been unable to draw though even after binge watching a whole season of next in fashion. I stared at my sketchbook, nothing to sketch.
I’m not sure what changed me but I’m sure I’ve changed. I no longer listen to love songs, close my eyes and imagine being in love. I have no patience for it any longer. Who took me?
The other day, a friend asked how I was and I said stable. That’s how I feel. Not good or bad. I’m stable. Not excited or sad. I’m indifferent. Certainly not religious or spiritual anymore. Existing.
I do not remember the last time I prayed by myself or maybe just worshipped. The last time I felt my heart beating faster just imagining the love of God. The last time I did something wrong and felt guilty or feared hell. Who touched me??
I no longer have anxiety attacks. I have problems and sleep well at night. Laugh genuinely from my heart. Binge watch Netflix movies and dance to amazing songs. Who’s this?
I never used to have mood swings. Now, at least thirty minutes a day, I’m pissed for no reason. I no longer crave love and attention. I’m dying.
I was told I added a little more weight. My belly is a little more visible in my dresses yet I’m yet to jog, starve a little and make jokes about it. I’m fat.
I’m invulnerable, consistent. No longer spiritual or have anxiety attacks. I’m now drugged with mood swings. Dislike men a little more. Uninterested in discussing love. I didn’t get new clothes this holiday as well.
My skin is glowing more than ever though. Just thought to tell you.
Whilst some of these are blessings. I don’t just know who stares back at me in the mirror. Do I embrace this change or do I discard it. One thing has however remained the same.
my face card is yet to decline.
exactly, I’m still vain. 
The whole existence of man is a ceaseless duel between the forces of life and death.” — Mahatma Gandhi
