There’s the cage. Open it. It’s stuck? How? I just want to fly. Like I used to. I want to look around and be held with care, not from a distance.
Remove the blinds. Maybe you’d see better. That I’m hurting. Maybe you’d see. That I’m angry.
If he knew it’d hurt this much. Would he have stopped? Held me close, whispered love and stayed? Maybe he’d have let me fly from the beginning?
The bullshit served over and over! Stealing my innocence then taking advantage of my culpability. All I wanted was to be loved back and if not, be freed.
The anger won’t end. Not when I’m stuck in a cage. Just fucking open it! But there’s no way out. There’s no door. Who locks you up and welds the cage so you never find an outlet? Each time I reach out, you hit me with your bamboo stick and tell me to smile.
I smiled. Over and over again that my teeth began to hurt. But tonight, my chest hurt. I can’t smile. I clutch my chest any grab my inhaler. Yes! Let’s blame asthma. There’s been a progression.
First you clothed me with shame, locked me in this cage and threw that cloth over it. Never to be found. He reached out. He pulled off the blind and yanked off the cloth. Shred by shred, it looked like grace.
He called me shameless and I let go of the shame of others. Now unlock the cage? but he leaves me hanging. Telling me to find the door. One year after, there’s still no door.
The cage won’t bulge. Every single iron welded by anger. I want out! It’s been awhile. No light, no love and so much anger. I have remained smiling.
Tonight as I saw the movie. I saw me. She’s me. Hurt, heartbroken and thrown away for the one thing she brought. Love and light.
You call me light but here I am, in darkness, slowly blending in. Each time they reach out and I partly step into the light. They step away. Ugly.
One year and this anger still cripples me. Who am I mad at? Him? Myself? Them? The process? The end? I don’t know.
I can no longer step partly into the light until I find this door out. One year after and when I reminisce, I still shiver. Let me go. All I did was love. All I’ve gotten, pain.
I’ve been crippled by what you did to me. I’ve been stagnant and unyielding because each time I try again, my heart reminds me of how I sat in the darkness with no way out. I never want to feel that way again.
Dear Chim,
it hurts. To breathe. It’s raining, I’m cold but I’m sweating. I’m clutching my chest for less hurt but it hurts like crazy. There are no tears but I’m gasping. I saw a movie. She was hurt. She was me. As I saw her hurt, I saw myself. When does it end? This hurt. The anger. The inconsistencies. The incapability. The fear. This heartbreak. I’ve been drowning.
Please, free me. They say time heals. When will it be time?
August 22,2023
“It hurts because it matters.” — John Green
P.s please don’t forget to clap 50times
