Fellowship [ˈfɛlə(ʊ)ʃɪp]
friendly association, especially with people who share one’s interests
“Who are you?” A question I had never been asked in friendly conversations. She said “I am a woman before anything. Being a Christain is number five on my list. Now, who are you?” I always thought I was firstly a Christian. But for the first time I thought about it. I Eniobanke, I exist outside my faith. Probably not something my Christian associations will love to hear.
As a Christian, the word fellowship never truly existed outside faith. It meant to be in the gathering of believers. It meant ‘Church’ or anything faith motivated. Yesterday, I realized I needed fellowship, One unassociated with my faith. Imagine how the words sounded to my friend who may be more faith inclined than I am. I have never felt more bottled up than in conversations with fellow christains. When I talk to God, there is a common understanding. No shame, no judgement, just affection and understanding. When I talk to other Christians, there is always a need to point me back to the bible like I am lost or confused.
How do I explain that I am not confused? I genuinely exist outside Christianity. I am not even a Christian first. How do I say I love God. However, I love other things. When I say it, I sound canal, faithless, fallen even to myself. Then I am bombarded with various scriptural references to remind me that I am first a spiritual being. Then I realized, the only reason I have not found the voice I need is I have not found my community. Like-minds.
I need a different type of fellowship. People who are wiling to figure out Christainity without leaning only to perfection. People who can audibly say “I exist outside my faith and maybe someday, I will only exist in my faith”. People who do not see me as canal for wanting different things than we are taught. If I could host a party just to congratulate my friends who seem to have it figured out spiritually, I honestly will. However, I am more likely to host a party for Christain rejects like myself who love God but without conformity. People whose relationship with God runs deep and is different from the norm. People who exist outside their faith.
Who am I? The only people who asked me this question this week were the ones who replied with scriptural reasons on why my hierarchy was wrong. I missed having a drink in the dark with my friend, sharing my hierarchy and she goes “That makes absolute sense. You are more of a Christian than I am”. A place where my faith was validated and not scrutinized. I am a work in progress but the reason I fall short to other Christians is, where they recognize a problem, I see none. “Life in its entirety is spiritual, so it is impossible to exist outside spirituality when everything is embedded in it”. my friend said. Again, that reminded me that my point was never understood.
Who am I? A woman, A christain, Human and a feminist. “Woman and human are the same”. Again, point missed. I will consider things as a woman first before I consider them as human without gender bias, as unfair as it sounds. I exist outside my faith, as a woman and a feminist. I just hope to make more faithless fellowships where it is fine to be an imperfect Christain.
“I feel more fellowship with the defeated than with saints.”
~ Albert Camus
Please do not forget to clap 50 times. Thanks
