How are you? No, don’t say fine. Don’t smile that way . Don’t shrug either because I actually mean it. How are you? You asked me same and I said fine too but too much was hidden in “fine”. I wish I could say how terrified I am, how my anxiety attacks have paralyzed me.
I wish I could tell you how unloved I feel and how unloving I am. That my future scares me and lack of money increases that fear. That I had a really tough time accepting that I may never get everything I want or think I deserve. That death is no longer scary to me.
How am I? Scared, anxious and unsure. Trying and struggling, Trying so hard to hide from everyone and just curl up in darkness. Thankful. Broken and finding healing.
I wish I could tell you that every time I hold my phone, I’m hoping someone genuinely checks up on me.
But, I’m fine. I will say you should tell me when you’re not fine and need to talk but truthfully, I don’t want you to do that. I have so much pain, damage and burden surrounding me that I really do not want to add yours to. I really do not want to hear about your failed relationship and scary life because I am too occupied with demons of my own. When you say “I’m fine”, I’d say “That’s nice”. I promise.
Maybe I am terrible. Maybe I don’t deserve this friendship. Maybe I will never want to hear you say “I’m not fine”. Maybe, life has me in chokehold right now and I am barely surviving as it is.
I hope you have other people who want to hear you say “I am not fine”, please do. I have mine, I have the people who I tell “I’m not fine” and who I really hope tell me that too. I have my people who I stay up all night to listen to and cry to. I have my people who I laugh the loudest to and stay up for hours to laugh with. I hope you find your people too. I hope “I’m not fine” is something some people want to hear from you. And really, it’s fine not to be fine.
There you go…let it all slide out. Unhappiness can’t stick in a person’s soul when it’s slick with tears.
Shannon Hale
