I looked at the ceiling as I sat on the uncomfortable iron chair surrounded by pregnant women. I tried to zone out a couple of times but the shout of the heavy women who sat beside me, legs opened wide around me would not let me. “Men ehn, see how that rubbish Yul man spoilt his beautiful family” said the dark woman with a noticeable nose size and a protruding stomach. Laugh erupted in the room and for the first time since I sat here, I actually had a reason to laugh.
This was normal. I, surrounded by pregnant woman, Nurses checking my vitals every Thursday and the lady at the desk saying “Same time next week?” as I walked out of the room. Today was different, I was tired. This cycle needed to end and I wanted to ensure it.
He smiled, “You are young”. That singular realization made my heart beat faster. I am young! in the hospital every Thursday running a million tests again, being dished drugs that cost an arm and running into the office hoping I do not look like I had a rough morning when the day just started. I laughed as I looked at the older man who looked like he could see I wanted to run written on my forehead.
“And you are busy”. I looked at him in the eyes now, wondering what he meant, he could see my heart. I was busy. Too busy to be here every week. To busy to be asked every Thursday “How many weeks gone?”, Too busy trying to make sure life does not leave me while I carry this tired soul around. I smiled this time, holding back my tears.
He looks at his friend sitted beside me and says “I need to tell her to relax”. I felt a long hand on my shoulder, looking up, I saw the good looking grey haired man beside me, long legs placed on the arm of his chair liked he owned the world as he said “I have a deal. Stop and live.” I laughed, That was a me thing right there. Striking deals that are always one sided. I looked now at their white coats with named written on it, smiled and asked “I’d be fine?”.
I know what love is. I have felt love and tasted it. Love was the reason I was here. Love to someone i have not met yet or may never meet. Love for the less busy version of myself that will hate this busy version in years to come. Love paid those ridiculous consultancy fees at the account office as I entered. Love was my old man smiling at me as I approached him, saying “I’m off to work now”. Love was him driving me here. The love I needed however, was a love that followed me into the doctor’s office every thursday. I needed a love that held my hands and saw that through those jokes and laughs, I was scared.
I needed a love that did not think it was fine to tease me once every month. I needed a love that hugged me and told me I was not the problem. I needed a love that could promise me I will be fine. Every, thursday as I replied the nurses “I’m not pregnant ma. I’m here for something else”, I needed a love that was not just in my mobile phone. I was selfish. Forgetting love was not restricted to being physical. Love was that they always remembered to call after.
This new season is me looking in the mirror more often. I am not just Ayo. NO! I am the girl who was always in that office every thusday too. I’m the one who is living in the moment, hoping more thursdays spent in hallways, with pregnant women, tired and sad won’t come anymore. I can’t lie, while others worry about ten things, I worry about twenty because for some reason, My journey is really twisted. But, I am young and busy.
and I’m not pregnant, I was there for something else.
If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman. — Margaret Thatcher
