I’ve not been able to write recently as I’ve sought to write happier articles. My page was too sad and needed a little light. I should not be the sad writer. A name I’ve somehow managed to carve for myself.
But on nights like this, it’s impossible to write lighter stories as my heart pounds faster with hurt I hope will not last. This similar pounding that led to me ever posting any of my writings here. I had needed a place to channel all my thoughts that usually overwhelm me and chose to write about them.
This is my escape from my tough reality. Writing is my way to lighten my burdens and carry on easier yokes. Somehow, I manage to always screw up my life. I’ve always had it planned out and this year, I made sure I had no plans. Only one. No men.
Now, that singular plan I have somehow mixed with betrayal. My heart pounds because I’m at cross roads between reasoning and feelings. Is it ok to leap knowing it will hurt in the end? Is faith enough? Are emotions strong enough?
On nights like this, I look around and remember all I have are the stars. God’s constant reminder of his love for details. That one created a world so vast and thought to put shiny little bulbs that light up at night. That one cares enough to make the tiny birds. How much more me?
This is my happy story. His eyes are settled on the sparrow. How much more me? I believe in God. He believes in me. Nature is my reminder and as I write this, sitting outside, no friends to talk to, staring up into the skies and being kissed by the stars, I wonder. What could be happier than this?
I’m rough around the edges so I’m grateful to be loved from within.
I sure have an unnatural way to enjoy God. Whilst going to church is biblical and I believe in it. I never fully burst with more worship than when I look into nature. The details! That someone so big and creative was detailed enough to pick the colours of each flowers on every tree. That he knows each ant and even cares for the lovely sparrows. That he takes his time to hold me in his palm and pat me like his beloved. How vast yet intentional he is.
Somedays, I look into nature and burst out singing Nathaniel Bassey’s wonderful wonder. The intentionality in this big guy. Today I concluded if I was not human, I’d love to be a star. Close to God yet still loved by him. Imagine this love? The sacredness and depth. A love that screams “come as you are”. A love that says “my burden is light and my yoke is easy”. A love with a thousand live letters in one big book. Imagine his eyes when he stares at us. I imagine they tear up with love.
If the stars were made to worship, so will I.
I’ve always regarded nature as the clothing of God — Alan Hovhaness
