“You realize you do not have to be so meticulous about packing up a Christmas tree, right?”
A friend recently told me to check out “End of history illusion”. That sums up my life recently. On some days, Life gets really hard to navigate and I find myself on my toilet seat, crying. On other days, I am convinced life is worth the early mornings. Recently, I am unlearning perfection.
I am learning new ways to love myself. I am different. My constant reminder that we never know who we will be in some years. You do not say never until you wear those same shoes. It is easier to conclude you will handle a situation better when you are only a spectator. We never truly know ourselves because today, I am Ayo the feminist. Two years ago, I was Ayo the lover girl. Who knows what I will be two years from now?
Anyway, the one constant thing in my life is navigating daggers. I never have still waters. There is always a storm with Ayo. Recently, I have not recognized Ayo. She is different from the girl I met years ago. She now no longer cares for love, she hates her body more often and has to constantly remind herself to be confident, she no longer likes school, and she barely talks to God.
But she's happier. She laughs and I wonder where she found this joy. She is more hyperactive and more social. She goes for karaoke and sings the loudest. She now makes her nails and even wears shorts out of her house. She almost bought a WIG!! She now discusses feminism more loudly and is not scared of being judged for it.
I may not have given her the credit she deserves all along. I really like you Ayo. Sometimes, life is crap to us, and I really want to hug you badly. Somedays, I want to tell you how you deserve better than the things you settle for. Somedays I want to help you hug your friends because of how amazing they are. Other days I wish you’d splurge on yourself some more. There are still parts of her I hope to get back and I hope I do.
I am grounded. Foundations are important. Recently, I try to force myself to pray even when I do not feel like. You can never truly run from God. Last year, I stood at arm's length because there was too much judgement from the place, I expected to be a throne of mercy. It is almost like everything I am, God does not approve. Turns out I was too far in self judgement that I did not recognize him whispering “Come as you are. I made you, I know you and I want you. Just as you are”
I do not fully know Ayo, I am unsure who she will be when next I look at her, but I am happy to get a peek into her life. She is living. Fully. She is learning, unlearning and moving on impulse. I love that for you. I always say that I want to look back when I'm sixty and know I lived life to the fullest. The first step was discovering feminism and doing what I want even with the whispers. The second step was meeting people who cheer me on regardless. The third was writing this. I have struggled for weeks to write because I wanted to write something I was sure to amass claps. The first reason I started to write on medium was to free my mind. She tends to carry too much. I have decided to find that Ayo back. Not for claps or approval but for a free spirit and connection. I hope I can write more playful stuff as well.
Well, welcome to finding Ayo with Ayo.
And to Ayo,
cheers.
