I was torn between titling this ‘fear of commitment’ or ‘my love letter’ because I think it is a mix of both.
I had thought I was too old to experience an emotion I’m unfamiliar with but I lied. I’m a kid in this game of feelings. Never have I been this unsure of myself but sure of my thought. I imagine myself in a bathtub, with a friend, wine in hand, just talking of emotions.
I’m the queen of emotions and intentions. I understand emotions and I’m able to deliver them smoothly but this once, it is not happening. I had resolved that this year, I was taking a break. From emotions.
And really, I have been. I’ve been more carefree yet intentional to feel no emotion. I have also done things I normally won’t do as a result of this but……
This is my confession. I like someone.
As I typed that, I almost disappeared😂. I have somehow taken a liking to someone even after all my consciousness not to. Something that initially started as a fling somehow spun into something a little more serious.
This lead to overthinking. You know me or maybe you don’t. Everything that spins in a way I would normally rather it does not, leads to my eyes being wide opened wondering. I resolved to detach. From the person but mostly, the emotion.
I’m a sad fairytale over here. Probably too scared to discover if there’ll be an happy ending. I’ve let myself be caught up in the whirlwind romance one too many times only to be disappointed and left to heal.
But I don’t Think this is about that. I think this is about being unsure. I do not know what I want but I’m sure of what I do not want. Vulnerability.
I do not think I have it in me to be fully open and accept the probability of being disappointed yet again. I do not think myself able to fully accept and be accepted. I do not think myself certain to be relied on by anyone.
I think this is the most vulnerable I’ve been on this platform because I usually talk of the past but for the first time, I’m talking of my present. My inability to love and be loved. Or maybe the fear of it.
What if in my inability, I hurt someone else? And I of all people know that sometimes, this hurt that may be so little to me may hunt him forever. I’ve managed to unlock a new fear. The fear of commitment. That’s what others will call it. I’m not sure that’s quite it.
I’ve resolved. After much thinking that I would rather not worry about tomorrow. As my best friend said, live in the moment. I may not totally surrender to the moment but I intend to try to even a little. I’m not sure what it’ll lead to but I’m open to see how it goes. Maybe soon, I’d trust myself to be loved. This may not only be fear, it is also unwillingness. Relationships require intentionality and energy, both of which I think I’ve lost.
I’m damaged and I’m not apologizing for that.
This is me laying it all down. I like you but I’m protecting you.
It is only possible to live happily-ever-after on a day-to-day basis.— Margaret Bon nano
