I was the girl fighting the boys on the playground and beating up the neighbours sons. “Stop jumping like a boy”, “one day these boys will beat you up”, “sit like a girl”. These words clouded my childhood. In ss1, after years of struggling to get the same level of male attraction as my best friend, I decided ‘I’d be more gentle, say less, walk gently’. I like to think it was the time I experienced puberty the most.
Approaching my table,I could see my reading time table torn. The one I pasted on my desk to appear a little bit more serious. The boys laughed, I fumed inwardly. Words flying through my mind, snitching beckoning on to me as I straightened my skirt and sat down. I was a lady, I had no business fighting with a man. I should have. I should have told them not to try that rubbish with me. I should have marched to the staff room and mentioned that my time table had been torn. A lot of things would never had happened if I did that. I wouldn’t have understood what it felt like to be touched on my boobs and told sorry while they went to boast to their guys. They “tapped” current while molesting me. I would not have understood what it felt like to be called “flat” to my face. They’d have known I would shout at the top of my voice. I never forget the time I lied about being a feminist to be liked by a boy who does not like feminists. I shrunk a lot .
“Oh please shut up with your face looking like Joseph’s coat of many colours”. My words of freedom a year after as i finally stood up to the boy with the bleached face who thought to make jokes of me having declined his love interest. All the male attention I wanted,long gone. I was done being “feminine” and fully ready to be respected regardless of my private part. I learnt that I was too “touchy” for telling a man to keep his hands to himself and my mouth was too sharp for speaking while a man spoke. I learnt I was too ambitious for preferring to study than sit in the kitchen cooking. I learnt I’d always be too much.
Then, I learnt feminism. That I deserved the same respect as all the Emeka’s, Judes and olas. I learnt that my voice mattered as much as theirs and it was fine to want exactly what they wanted. I learnt I must never shrink myself to be more “Feminine” if I wanted to be treated as an equal. I learnt to take up space without the need to shrink in a hole.
I do not think myself better than a man and never will I play the victim beside a guy. But I do recognise that I am as much a human as he is. I do recognise that he is not better than me either. I work hard, always have because as a woman, I need positions to command the same authority as a man and I am no longer mad at it.
I have accepted that I am a mad, black woman for raising my voice everytime a man raises his voice at me. I have also accepted that everytime I cross a milestone, I will be asked “when are you getting married?”. I am good with being told “you will be lonely at 40".
I am no longer mad at pastors who tell their male congregation to not marry feminists. Every time I sit with men, I understand most of them do not understand feminism. So rather than hate them, I hate the ignorance.
Every table I get to, I will ask to be treated as a human being because every table I have gotten to, I worked equally as hard to get there.
It is not a gender war. It is an equal right war. Emeka, I am not lower than you are because I have breasts and a vagina. Ola, you will treat me with the same respect as a man regardless of my Marital Status.
Seven year old Ayo who beat up her neighbour on his birthday, under the rain. You should not fight but there is nothing wrong with you. Jump if you want.
Feminism is not the problem, extremists are. Do not get it twisted. My lack of love for cooking has nothing to do with my feminism but everything to do with my personality. My unwillingness to get married early is not as a result of my feminism but my ambitions.
I’m sorry, I can’t tone it down. Not my sexuality, not my personality. The urge to form innocence and gentility everytime I speak with people, I killed that a long time ago. For everything that is wrong with me has nothing to do with my feminism.
I’m sorry for everytime I went silent when I should have increased my voice. I’m sorry for everytime I felt the need to sit down when I should be jumping. I’m sorry for everytime I acted “feminine” when I should’ve been reminded I’m a lady. I’m sorry for every relationship I stayed in when I should’ve left. I’m sorry for trying to fix you when you are already fine. I’m sorry for everytime I feigned innocence to be more desirable by men. I’m sorry feminism scares you.
As I grow older, I am learning to take up more space. I still want to shrink sometimes so I am more like the other girls. More desirable, more ladylike. There is nothing wrong with that but I, Ayodamope, loves to take space and I won’t stop. Don’t be scared to.
You deserve to be here. You deserve to exist. You deserve to take up space in this world of men.” - MacKenzi Lee
