The art of disguise
Sherlock Holmes once said the best disguise are done in plain sight. I have come to understand that disguise is not an art, its a necessity. A survival kit for humans. A mask we all need in our wardrobes. Yet, no one has fully mastered it. You may learn to dump it while mastering it or die before you can.
Failure has never been an option for me. One thing was sure, I only engaged in things I was sure I will succeed in. “He’s fine” those were the exact words I said to my friends even when I was not sure “he” was fine. I had not spoken to him, how could I know? Worse still,I did not want to.
How could I tell them that the Relationship was over or that I was dumped. I? How do I express that after all their warnings and my loud “I’m in a relationship” to several suitors, I had nothing to show for it. Till date, I’m unsure what I expected. Marriage? An 8 year relationship?
Because deep down as humans, we all have a gut feeling and it’s mostly right. Mine knew it will end but I was in my “living in the moment era”. Finally I typed “We broke up a while ago”. As I typed those words, I felt my heart tug again. I had failed. But this time, the failure didn’t hurt. It was the betrayal and the fact that everyone saw me make a fool of myself.
Imagine the shock as I told my closest friends, my relationship had ended months ago. “How come I didn’t hear?”. For the first time in months, I admitted “I was ashamed”. I remember reading so many “of what?”. I did not know.
What was I ashamed of? That I ignored every warning or that everyone saw something I was so close yet didn’t see?
As I laid on the cold tiles, eyes closed, tears flowing, gospel music blasting, I realised it was me. I was ashamed that my disguise failed. I was never fine but I made sure to always appear fine. Every “why is your boyfriend outside here and you’re in your room?”, “why are you asking me to chill with you at night when you have a boyfriend” that i ended with “he’s busy jare”. When deep down in my heart, I wondered same.
Everytime I downplayed my feelings or pain in order not to be seen as a deluded young lady who couldn’t just break up. My cover was blown and my disguise had failed right in front of everyone. They caught me. I was not as happy as I claimed to be and it mattered more than I showed.
Everytime I’m wronged or something goes wrong, I send a “babe, I need someone to talk to” because I no longer associate with shame that is not mine. If I was wronged, I will never wear the shame again. Its not mine to wear. Wear your shame and if you will not,neither will I.
“You can tell me anything, I’m not here to judge you”. Those were the words I needed and heard. The number of times my friends mock me for hiding that breakup reminds me that they are more concerned about the number of times they get to say “ode” than “I warned you”.
Whilst disguise is good sometimes, it’s hard and sometimes we lose ourselves in our disguise. I part with my favourite part of Labrinth’s ‘beneath your beautiful’. Would you let me see beneath your perfect? Take it off right now, I wanna see inside. I hope you learn to take off the disguise and let someone in or else you begin to delude yourself into living in your disguise as reality.
I failed at disguising but one year in,I’m happy I did. If not, I’d still be in my room hoping for a phone call that may come two days later.
Naked is the best disguise-Jeanette Winterson
