Today, I cut my waist beads. It felt ideal. Then I picked one of my Favourite skirts, threw it in a bag and gave it out. It felt right.
I looked in the mirror. Stared at my naked form from the front view, then the side. I turned the mirror so it faced the wall. Felt appropriate. Welcome to my reality. Rummaging through my box of clothes and the whispers get louder and I just want to burst out “none of it fits”.
You’d then type “Bisi, love yourself. Love your body”. One would think I just said I hate my body. Bisi breathe. Now, type those words. I could hand you a list of every wrong thing that has been said about my body. How I looked, how my dress looked on me.
Somedays, you’re getting every possible colour of waist beads and crop tops. Getting nose rings, dreaming of a good tattoo idea and piercing. It’s the sexy feeling. The feeling that screams you’re the sexiest human walking around.
Then on days like this. The voice whispers “you should look better”. You look in the mirror again. It could be the hyperpigmentation, dark pits and thighs, protruding tummy or absence of ass. It could be all of this or maybe it’s really just the feeling.
The feeling that you don’t look good. The feeling that cripples you into big gowns and flare tops because if it hugs your body, you look like a letter B.
AAhhh! Bisi!
Let’s call it bluntness. I know what I look like but most times I wake up and feel like a goddess. It’s a Bisi thing. She always feels good. She’s pretty, smart and bubbly. It’s never mattered how she looks.
Until recently. Except I think it’s more of the feeling than the look. I’m not fat neither am I slim. I’m just not sexy.
Today as I rummaged through that box. My clothes. The Very ones I wore and strutted in. Except they no longer fit and those that do fit, fit funny.
The world screams self love and tells me to embrace my Fupa and flaws. There are days like this and I’d be damned if I deny them. Days where my self love sinks, my body betrays me and my clothes mock me. Days where I throw it all together and think maybe tomorrow I’d feel better.
Well, here you go. Welcome to a day in my life. One where my body screams ‘Ugly!’ to my face, I sucked belle and held my breathe as I tried to fit my waist trainer. One where I looked up diets and considered starvation. One where I stared at the the women in my family and shout hate at the genes they passed on. One where my body, just isn’t bodying.
I’m Bisi and today, I gave out my favorite skirt and cut my waist beads. I’m Bisi and today, I wish I had a flat tummy and a little more ass. I’m Bisi and today, I hate my body.
Just because we have acne, tummy rolls, and chaffing thighs doesn’t mean we need to be fixed. Period.” — Mik Zazon
