Sometime this month, I packed my life of two years in four boxes, locked my room and drove out of school. This place I have become comfortable at for the past two years. I had pitched a temple for myself during my master's program. I had a temple, friends who felt like home, traditions and my to do list. Everything I had thrown into my box excited to go back to the life I left two years ago.
The puzzle was perfect. I will go to work on weekdays, see my friends on Saturdays and return to my busy servitude in church on Sundays. Except, none of this happened. On my first Sunday back, I wore a bubu I lent from my mom, my new shoes and cat walked into church. The excited faces and warm hugs welcomed me, and I felt ‘Yes, we are back home’. However, when service began and I returned to the media unit, there was no space at the table for me. The entire service, I only sat close to the table and at some point, I slept. This feeling, what could it be?
On Tuesday again, I had worn my short black skirt excited to back up in the choir as I always did during bible study. But as I strutted in, someone else was holding the microphone. I froze. That same feeling. What could it be? This Sunday, a meeting was held with the teenagers who I used to lead, and I had no say. Information was being passed, none influenced by me. What is going on? I sat in the media unit as usual, ready for a day of torture and an older man came to chase me away, saying “We only want a certain number of people here at a time and you will have to go sit in the church if you are not on duty”. Duty? When did we start having a roster?
It so happens that while I took a two-year break from this life, this life had moved on without me. The places I thought I filled and positions that needed me, were easily replaced by others. From outside, this puzzle is complete, and I am no longer needed. Since I left, two more people joined the media unit, there was a roster, and I was not even on it. There was a replacement for backup on Tuesdays and I was not needed. The teens had a perfect coordinator, and they did not need my input Afterall, I missed teens camp this year and no one mentioned that they noticed my absence.
These few days have put a few things in perspective for me. One being that we are all replaceable. Second, life really moves on with or without you. However, I write this as my acceptance that life without me is still beautiful. I came back trying to fit into this puzzle I felt needed me but really, there was no missing piece in the puzzle. I, however, have changed my focus. I am done rebuilding bridges and a past life. It is time to start a new life. I intend to make more friends and find other means of fulfillment. Starting with sitting in the congregation on Sunday. Finding what new department needs me or where I can fit. Finding where I can start from.
Time, seasons and I have been displaced. But, just from this life. It may be time to start another.
The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.” — Alan Watts
